Eleutherophobia

The decision is up to me. That's why I'm afraid the right thing won't be done.

I'm getting fed up with the lack of initiative shown by my house mates. Sometimes I get the feeling they don't realise that they are in their own house and that they have all the responsibilities that comes with living independently. It might sound petty or silly from another perspective but I honestly don't remember the last time anyone other than myself opened or closed the curtains. It's little things like that. Or the hundreds of plastic bags that are left around the entire house, or the fact that no one but me washes the flannels, hand towels, or tea towels despite the fact that everyone uses them. Most of the time, when I come to cook dinner, I'll find the remnants of microwavable meal packaging or pizza boxes left on the side. Despite the dirt they create, it is too much like hard work for anyone to store their shoes anywhere but the front hall. We have a perfectly good conservatory but people would rather sling their shoes in the corner. I suppose if anyone else ever did the hoovering then they'd appreciate the mess created by this kind of behaviour. I'm really sick of it.

On top of that there are personality clashes developing which I am thinking more and more about. It's not that I don't want to be friends with he people I live with, it's that I don't want to have to share space with them so much now. Of course, to certain minds, these two things are synonymous.

And I am becoming to really hate my occupation. Robertsbridge is a nice place, but I find myself vowing each evening that I cannot take another day of sitting on my arse in front of a keyboard. There is no one to talk to either; the age gap is too wide for me to feel comfortable conversing with other members of staff; and a lot of the teachers have developed this terrible habit of talking through people all the time. This, I think, comes from them being used to being the centre of attention in the classroom all day; if you have something important to say, it can wait. Add the way that others continually insult themselves when they have an IT problem: "Is it broken or am I just being stupid?" "I'm sure it's just me being an idiot but I can't get it to work!" and it becomes very difficult to make friends. Some of the members of staff here are genuinely nice people but regardless, I cannot get close to anyone largely because of the age difference and the nature of my job. I only ever appear when someone has a problem. The reputation ICT Technicians already have at Robertsbridge doesn't help either.

This morning I left really early for work. There wasn't enough milk for breakfast so I left an hour early and picked up some breakfast at a petrol station. I then rode have the way to Robertsbridge and stood looking at the sun rise over mist-blanketed hills, the only sound was the morning chorus of blue tits and robins. It was freezing cold but I felt very calm there. And yet there was always some nagging feeling in the back of my mind that, in a while, I'd have to leave and go to work. Which is where I am right now.

I want to be a hundred miles away looking at a different horizon. You can take that figuratively or literally, it doesn't make a difference to me because I mean it in more than one way.

In other news, I failed my Theory Test by one point. Pretty good since I haven't had any lessons right?