Hate My Job

Well my PC has buggered itself yet again. I've replaced the RAM, even using a different slot, and the computer work fine for three or four days until it started doing it's crashing routine again. I just can't get my head around it. Changing hardware staves off the crashing for a few days, after that it crashes (either to a BSoD or just bypassing the BSoD and rebooting) twenty minutes or so after starting up. Then when it restarts I get a "disk read error" message. Leave the computer off for a few hours and it will start up fine, but then crash after the twenty-or-so minutes.

It doesn't make any sense! Nothing should cause it to do that. The symptoms don't mean anything. I can't express how frustrating this is. I can't get the Gorkamorka newsletter done, I can't record any videos, I can't finish any artwork, I can't browse the 'net, I can't play any games, I can't stay in touch with half the people I know, and I can't write up any dungeons and dragons adventures or design good-looking maps for said adventures.

I'm really pissed off with it; I just can't find a solution other than scrap it and start again, essentially flushing six hundred pounds down the toilet - something I'm not prepared to do! I want to take it to a local hardware shop and see if they can sort it out but the fact that the computer works fine for a few days after any hardware change means that it could take forever to find the problem. Maybe if I explain the problem to them they will immediately jump on a solution like "your motherboard is buggered" or "you need new serial cables" or something.

Before this I was talking excitedly with Matt about playing Splinter Cell co operate matches and recording game videos and such... but it looks like those plans are on indefinite hold just like everything else computer-related.

And don't get me started on my dungeons and dragons campaign.

And work is driving me insane. Have I already ranted about this? I try not to rant on my blog because complaining about things is pretty much a waste of time. But this is driving me crazy, so for today at least I can let this blog be an outlet for all this madness.

I spend all day in a cramped little office with two tiny windows, one shows me three foot by three foot of brick wall, the other shows me three foot by three foot of sky. Both of these windows are behind me so if I'm not staring at my blank screen I'm staring at a beige plaster wall. The air in my office is so thick that you practically have to chew it when inhaling. For half of the year the temperature is unbearably warm thanks to the three workstations, three servers, "shower cubicle" full of hubs and switches, and any laptops being worked on at the time. There is a fan in the room between the windows but it's about fourteen inches in diameter and runs at something like four RPM. As for my computer, well I could get more work done with a slab of granite and a chisel. It's slower than a paralysed snail drowning in its sleep in a tar pit.

And the working conditions aren't the worst part. I'm caught in between the two types of people of people who come here every day. Between the students and the teachers, the people closest age-wise to me in both groups are at least seven years younger/older than me. This makes it very difficult to even think about talking with anyone. There is only one colleague who I see regularly and that's because I can't help it. The network manager. And he must be retiring soon. I find that I can't really talk to him either; we're just stuck in the same office together. If I try to strike up a conversation he either drops it very quickly or immediately changes the subject to something else. One of those people who chuckles all the time while they're talking because everything is so funny in a tragic and ironic sort of way. He seems to be pretty wise; the kind of person who soaks up all sorts of things from experience, but otherwise I don't really see anything worth getting out of him via conversation.

And often there are times here, just like this, in which I have nothing to do and can only think about what a beautiful day it is outside. All I want to do is abandon this workstation, get my gear on and ride away. Whether I'm riding for hours "away from it all" or just riding the country lanes I find on my way home sometimes and then stopping to walk in the woods or over the pastures there where there's no one else to bother me and I don't have to think about a suffocating job, uncivilised house mates, a computer that defies my every attempt at repairing it, and the idea that I'll just end up being a jellyfish - a victim of the tides - and not find the will to resist this dead-end rut of a lifestyle.

Right now I'm just waiting for an excuse to abandon this place and get outside.

So what am I doing to fix this? I'm trying to get a place of my own. Everyone in the household knows I'm moving out by December at the latest. My brother Sam is planning to move into my room to replace me so that the bills keep getting paid and so on but he can only do that once he gets a job. And he doesn't have a job yet. I don't think that he will enjoy it there although it will be good for him to move out of my mum's place.

As for finding a new line of work... well I still don't know what I want to do for a vocation. I haven't had any idea of what I want to do since I was studying in college. Secondary school even. I just don't know what I want to do. I've learned this much from working here though: I don't want to work with computers any more. I keep entertaining idle fantasies about working outdoors but physically I don't think I'm up for it. I get dizzy and tired quickly, probably some kind of sugar deficiency or something. I also think that I just want to work outdoors because I'm trapped in a tiny prison here which is surrounded by countryside and farmland that I pass every morning on the way to work. I just don't know what I want to do.

So there you go. You can now read my ugly side. My complaining side. My unhappy side. My I-hate-my-job side. I'm sure you didn't think I didn't have one.